Soul Searching Part 4: Open Doors

So I ran into my heart tonight. We talked for a few minutes about us, our lives, and the love we still seem to share after all this time. He wished me happy birthday by the way. How ironic.

A warm embrace that reached deep into never forgotten memories, love stricken words exchanged over soft tear drops, a kiss and an open door "when you're ready".




Whhyyy?!!! I didn't ask for this. After this many years, too many sleepless tear-filled night, I would expect some type of progression. But I'm the same pitiful mess I was 4 1/2 years ago when he first broke my heart. A little older, a lot wiser, but the same heart. It hasn't changed. I still love him. Deeply. With every molecule inside me. I haven't felt that much joy and happiness since, well, since the last time I saw him. The feeling is indescribable. If perfection was a feeling, it would be that feeling.

When you're ready let me know. 


Now before I say what I need to say, I realize that there are a few (or several) people reading this wanting to strangle me. And all I can say is good thing I'm not around you ;) no, but really, I'm just being honest. 


Is it bad that I want to try? I want to see if it'll work, to see if we could make us work. All the logistics aside, love is enough, right?


I can't help but be frustrated with myself. I really do feel like I haven't progressed. I'm still fighting this battle. Trying to move on, close doors, open new ones.


Two weeks ago, I was good. Made some really painful realization, washed my hands, turned a new leaf, closed this door and started cleaning house.


Why does this door keep opening? This time with an invitation to walk through and win the one prize I've been fighting for since October 2008.


I don't have an answer. I can't give one right now. All I know is doors don't stay open forever.