In A Rut

I swear I have a midlife crisis at least once a week. What am I doing with my life, what have I changed, what can I fix, what do I need to do better. Literally at least once a week. I could sit here and play the stupid game of wondering why I have these all the time, but I’m not going to.

I know why. Because I’m not changing anything. I’m not fixing my diet; I’m not writing more; I’m not reading more; I’m not applying/researching/educating more; I’m not doing anything more. I am simply getting by. And I hate it. I’m so unhappy with my current situation. Not necessarily because it’s a bad situation but because I’m not doing anything to change it. I can’t really explain to you why I have such a serious lack of motivation, but I do and that in itself needs to change. I’ve tried the whole “today is a new day; let’s start fresh” and then I’m back to doing the same old shit. Ugh, I hate to say it, but I am officially in a rut.

I think I’m scared of change. I want a new job, but I’m scared of what it’ll actually look like. I want a higher education; but I’m scared of the workload and possible relocation. How pathetic am I? I’m so unhappy yet too scared to change my unhappiness. -__- >:|

I just need to do it. There really isn’t any excuse. I’m not too tired, too busy, too overworked, too nothing. I have the time, and I have the energy. I’m just choosing to waste it instead of use it. Hopefully tomorrow will be a new day and I can start fresh and apply my energy to the things that need it. After all, the only way out of a rut is to dig yourself out.