The Perfect-Feeling

Perfect is not an adjective describing feeling in the title above; perfect is a compound noun with feeling. It’s not the perfect feeling. It’s the perfect-feeling; the feeling of perfect. Not perfection; perfect. If perfect could it felt, it would be this feeling.

Have you felt it before? The perfect-feeling?

I have. And boy is it… perfect.

There is literally no other way to describe the feeling I am talking about; there is no butterflies or rapid heart rates, sweaty palms or random smiles. There is no mind lapses or gitty laughter. There is only the knowledge that at that very moment, everything is perfect. You don’t have to try to be happy or joyful, positive or content. You just are. There is no effort. You are at peace with everything going on in your mind, heart, body, and soul. You are whole.

The feeling doesn’t last longer than a couple of hours, a couple days max. But in those moments, it is… perfect. No other feeling comes close. Not excitement of surprise, laughter until your stomach hurts and eyes tear up, relief of an overwhelming stressor, joy or happiness, not even love. It’s deeper than that, deeper than love. It is every good feeling happening at the exact same moment. It is pure and untainted.

Now that you know the feeling I am talking about-whether you’ve felt it first hand or just get the idea from my description, I want you to honestly ask yourself this question…

Would you want to give that feeling up? Never feel it again (as far as you know)? Let it go; walk away from it?

I wouldn’t, and I don’t want to. Therein lies my struggle. The source of my perfect-feeling isn’t good for me, isn’t what I deserve or ultimately desire, and isn’t going to give me what I need. So by definition, it shouldn’t give me that feeling, should it? But the truth of the matter is, that it does, more than anything or anyone else. But the problem is that it has the potential of becoming toxic. So if I had my best interest in mind, I should give it up, chose to not feel whole, perfect, or effortless again. But, I don’t want to, and I don’t know how to do something I don’t want to do.