Ugh.

It finally happened. The long awaited breakdown that has been looming over my head for the last month and a half has finally decided to send its thunderstorms and torrential rain pour my way. And of course it had to happen at such an inconvenient time, an hour before I have to work. Thank you emotions, thank you.

Have you ever wanted to just start over? New name, new looks, new city, new job, new friends, a new life, a new everything? I have. At least a thousand times. The only thing that has ever stopped me cold dead in my tracks has been the memories of the life I would be leaving behind. I would miss my friends, my city, my life; and that right there is the sole reason that’s been holding me captive to my current life. From packing up my bags and singing “sayonara” as I rush to the closest airport and jump on the next available flight. Seriously. How great would that be? A brand new life. No emotional baggage to lug around, no mistakes to hide away from, no unnecessary carry-on items that really serve no purpose other than to add clutter to an already full plane.

I often wonder if I would ever be able to really do something like that. Realize my life is solely my life and all I have to do is pick up and go. The freedom I would have, the pure bliss of a perfectly me chosen life.

I know, I know... I do have that freedom. My life is my life. But for some reason, I don’t know how to live that way. I still lug around baggage and deal with the nonsense I’ve let my life create that I so easily lose sight of what my life really is all about. And yes, I am currently blind, nose-diving into a self-perpetuated pity fest. Sorry about it. My mind goes at too many miles per second as I sit and ponder my life. I get frustrated, scared, sad, happy, discouraged, inspired, downtrodden all at the exact same time. Which I’m doing at this exact moment as I stare aimlessly into my computer screen trying to formulate a thought that could possibly make enough sense to type into a readable sentence… did that even make sense?

Oh well. I give up. I have to go to work.