Refocusing

Hello! It's been way too long!

It's actually been about a month and a half since my last post and I can honestly say, I miss this. I got so caught up in my hectic life I forgot to live. For the last month or so, my life has consisted of work, work number 2, working out, meal preparation, eating/sleeping. I combine the last two because those were very much so after thoughts. Although I am quite happy with the results this working out and meal preparation has done for me, the side effects of working 70 hour weeks are not so great. I wandered around my apartment a couple days and almost had a full blown anxiety attack at how messy it was (and still is for honesty sake). Wtf happened in here?! What is this shit all over my floor, counters, desk, and table?! It took me about a half of a millisecond to realize what happened in my sacred sleeping quarters. Life happened.

I have been so over consumed with the busyness my life has created that I literally have forgotten the most important little things that make my life so uniquely beautiful. Like a clean house, fluffy cool pillows to lay my weary head down on and enjoy a nice spring morning waking only to the sweet songs of the feathered creatures fluttering outside my windows, a quality page turner with an almost too soft to be real blanket and a hot cup of my favorite tea to get lost in, or this blog! My writing! It's been no where to be found. My day to day thoughts lost in the fleeting moments of "I'm busy". Damn my current priorities.

I'm in need of a shift. A shift back to the life that made me simply smile softly with the thought of how perfectly happy I was with my life. A shift back to when I had a hold on my goals and dreams and was taking small but continuous steps in the direction I needed to go. A shift back to a time when I was constantly self-checking, soul-searching, and mind/heart expressing on a moment to moment basis, simply so that I could enjoy every breath I was taking to the utmost fullest. Back to a time when I was living and loving my way through my life, not working, sweating, and complaining my way through it. Not that I'm not working or sweating when I'm living and loving because I most definitely am, but instead of complaining, I need to be smiling.

Happiness is a perspective. I made a promise to myself a while back to never lose sight of what happiness is, and as you would have it, I've lost it for a while. The good thing is a small dose of some fascinating poetry is all I ever need to refocus, which I had the wonderful opportunity to experience at Mic & Dim Lights in Pomona, Ca last night (if any of you are around that area, I strongly suggest you check it out one of these days).

So as I sit here and try to refocus my life to the better days of loving life, pursuing knowledge, watching intently, dancing freely, writing sincerely, and letting the music move my soul; I am renewing my promise of living life with a purpose. A purpose that no matter my current situation, happiness is just a perspective shift away.

Soul Searching Part 2: A Lost Dream

I never understood why people were happy to hear me say that I've realized I want something different, that he's become everything I have ever wanted, everything I knew he would become, the potential I saw in him, reached but that's no longer what I want anymore. Everything he embodies is beautiful, great, admirable, and inspiring, it's just not my idea of those things. People were excited to here me say those words, but it only left me feeling empty, sad, depressed, heartbroken. I couldn't wrap my mind around their excitement; their smiles were so effortless, while my tears were a struggle to hold back. All I felt was sadness. I felt like I had missed out on something so special because it's too late now; I am in love with someone I no longer desire. 

I think I get it now. I miss him, I do. But most of all, I miss the memories, the feelings, his laugh and embrace. I'm sad to see that go. He's changed and so have I. We're not meant to be together, and that's fine. I'm happy for him and his new lifestyle, and I wouldn't change mine for the world. I just never would have thought it'd end up this way. There's a lost hope in that, a lost dream. I guess that's what I'm grieving. I'm not mourning a lost love, that will always be there; I will always love him. It will just be from a distance, that I've chosen to create. Two different lives met for a time, shared a love; he changed my world and deepened my heart. He will always be special to me and make me smile. And I think for a long time, I wanted him to be the only one to be able to do that. My one and only. Now I've realized that's not the case. I desire something different, someone different. It's an interesting feeling. My heart wants it to be him, but slowly it's learning it won't be. He won't be what makes me ultimately happy. He holds such a special place in my heart that will never be replaced, but he belongs there as a memory, not as a future plan. And that's okay, well I'm learning to be okay with it. Grieving a lost dream is quite hard, I must admit. 

Shackled

I was told to write an honest poem; honest? I’ve never understood why honesty was so difficult. I tend to pride myself on my ability to be honest and truthful. It’s almost second nature to me. My best friend used to always ask my opinion of what she was wearing because she knew I wouldn’t lie. “How’s my outfit?” “Hmm. I don’t like those jeans. They make your butt look saggy.” Harsh right? I guess I’d just rather tell the truth and it hurt, then tell a lie and cause that person to be mistakenly happy. As I stand here and ponder the meaning of honesty, my pride rock starts to crumble into the elephant graveyard full of skeletons I don’t even let myself explore. I’ve recently realized I struggle deeply with honesty when it’s just me and a mirror reflection I’m not proud of. I tend to make excuses or justifications, I skate around the core issue because sometimes it seems less painful. But if I was to be honest, I struggle with honesty the most when I have everything to lose. I’m talking the intangibles. My pespected identity, my heart, my life, a friend. I get so caught up in the what if’s that I forget about the what is. I let my fear of a potential loss get in the way of an opportunity to experience change, love, and ultimately life. It’s like quick sand, the more I think, the deeper I sink, into an inescapable pit of paralyzing doubts. I can’t quit my job, what if I don’t find another one soon enough? I can’t tell my manager what I think I deserve, what if she fires me? I can’t tell him how I feel, what if he doesn’t feel the same way? I can’t, I can’t, I can’t… quickly become I wish, I wish, I wish. I wish I would have been courageous enough to jump into the ocean of the unknown and undiscovered. It might have been dangerous, treacherous, and life threatening, and I’m sure I would have walked away with some pretty distressing bruises and permanent scars from being violently tossed around in the unyielding sea, but at least I would never have had to ask, “what if I had…” Experience is worth every scar because when you’re strong enough to turn that scar into a lesson, the tapestry your life is creating becomes all the more magnificent. So, as I stand here with my skeletons talking about a character trait I thought I embodied, the ghosts of my missed opportunities haunt me with this life-altering truth. Honesty is the key to the shackles clenched around my neck, holding me captive to a life full of fear. Until I can be honest, I am a slave to that mirror reflection I’m not proud of. The truth will always set me free.

Things That Make Me Smile

You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile- Charles Chaplin

I was asked to write a poem in the form of a grocery list. I simply started writing down a list of the things I love, and when I was finished, I was wearing an affectionate smile that only I could fully understand. Here is the list of the little treasures I hold so dear to my heart and the reasons for my smile.

Basketball

Dance

Music

Learning

Hot tea

The color blue

Love

Father-daughter dates

My smbff

My stuffed moose (plural)

My bestie

The number 21

Forehead kisses

Empty dance floors

Smiley faces

Laughter

Poetry

Philosophy

Afternoon naps

My momma

Empty basketball courts

Fresh snow

Vulnerability

Hot showers

Sore muscles

White gummy bears

A child's innocence

Reminiscing

Hand written letters

Cliff diving

Head rubs

New sweatshirts

The smell of roses

Flying

The year 1989

Vaseline chapstick

Hennessey

Cold pillows

The baby dipper

Hand holding

Oversized sweatpants

Freshly shaved skin

Thunderstorms

The color red

Mohawks

Smoothies

Sarcasm

Playing the piano

Stretching

Clear night skies
Campfires 

Jergen's lotion

Puppy smell

The sound of rain

Friendship

Hard workouts

Makeup

Champagne

Honesty

Morning dew

Reese's

Cologne

Loyal dogs

Jordans

City lights

Patron

Cheek kisses

Massages

Vans

Red skittles

Baby animals

Dangly earrings

Sunsets

High heels

The number 23

Skyscrapers

Fruit snacks

Meeting random people

Fresh air

Nike socks

My baby pillow

Calls from old friends

Soft blankets

Innocence

Basketball shorts

Deep discussions

Pink starbursts

The number 77

Nail Polish

Late Night Soul Searching

I thought after giving him this letter, I would feel liberated, free, happy, and finally have the courage to move on. I don’t. I feel the same way I did the day before I gave the letter. I still want to be with him, wishing and hoping that one day, it will happen. I think I can’t let go of the idea of never feeling this again. The immense about of emotion, the overwhelming sense of euphoria and tragedy all wrapped up into one. The tugging at my heart like each breath I take is another fragile thread breaking, slowing allowing tears to seep out of my scars. I swear one day I won’t feel this way anymore, and that scares me. I love him. The thought of not loving him anymore or even just a little bit less, or not wishing to be with him, or the world not stopping when I see his face, the slight involuntary twitch my mouth no longer giving when I hear his name… that, all of that, scares me. I don’t want to forget him or even move on from him. I want him to be in my life forever. I never want to have to tell him I miss him or hope he’s doing well, or invite him to my wedding that he’s not the groom in. I thought the letter would help this war become less of a struggle and more of a victory. I thought I would finally stop crying over a missed opportunity. I thought… I thought I would be okay. But I’m not. I was hoping for an answer I knew I wasn’t going to get and I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I said the right words, my wish would come true, that I would finally get the man I’ve been wishing on so many stars for. I sound like a pathetic little girl, but I’m just a lovesick poet trying to make sense of the feelings inside her chest.

Bittersweet Part Two

I have made it home! Since I missed my specified boarding time, I had to sit in a middle seat :/ Okay, I'm a tad spoiled when it comes to flying; don't judge me. I have almost always lucked out and gotten a window seat. Not this time, which was totally fine because since I wasn't sleeping, I was able to drink tea on my flight :)

Now that I am back in the city of pursuing dreams, I can finally finish my last post. Yes, in order to fully understand this post, you will have to read the last one. My apologies (kinda ;)).

Although I was a tinge sad (okay a lot sad) that I was leaving my home to return home, I was equally excited to return to this wonderful state of unrealized greatness. I have missed my friends here and also the life I have created here. My trip to Colorado was unexplainable great and part of that greatness came from the pure relaxation I was able to experience. I was able to sleep in, hang out, drink tea, and sit by a fire... everyday. It was pure bliss. However, as much as that way of life is one I hope I will be able to claim as my own in the future, it is not my way of life right now. I had to get back to work (yay -__-) and back to my dear friends here (yay :D). There is a sense of anticipation that comes when returning to missed loved ones, and I have the honor of experiencing that feeling relatively often. 

Another part of the mixed emotions I have toward returning home is that I am returning to real life-stress, work, money, and unfinished dreams. No one likes stress, so I don't have to explain that one. And few people love their jobs, so that one doesn't have to be explained either. Okay, so neither does money haha. But unfinished dreams, now there's something that needs an explanation. As I have mentioned in a precious post, I have a dream of achieving greatness. It's thrilling to know that one day I will be great (read my post titled paint. a lot. to know exactly what I mean), but it is also quite overwhelming. The steps I need to take, the things I have to accomplish, the soul searching I need to do. Ah! So much to do; so little time! Or so it seems; I am only 23 years old after all. 

So as I wait for my best to pick me up from the airport, I am left to reminisce of a once perfect time and to dream of an equally perfect time to come. 

Bittersweet

Goodbyes are never easy to handle, but "I've missed you's" are always delightfully received. The feeling of loss greeted with a pleasant smile and a warm embrace... bittersweet.

No matter how many times I leave home to go to my other home, I seem to get a tad sentimental. And as I'm sitting in the airport awaiting my constantly changing flight (-__-), I can't help but reminisce of my two and a half weeks away; and what an amazing two and a half weeks they have been. I can't begin to express my appreciation of my family and some of my dearest friends; I have been overly blessed this holiday season. My expectations and hopes of this vacation have been exceeded ten fold (and that might be why for the first time, I am genuinely sad to leave, but shhh... that stays between us).

A little recap is necessary but only because I want to brag a little ;)

First and foremost, my family went the entire Christmas Eve and Christmas Day withOUT arguing! :D It was an amazing blessing. We enjoyed each others company, laughed, joked, created memories that I will forever hold close to my heart.

I spent New Years exactly how I had initially intended, making a toast with some of my favorite people.

My "dates" with each family member went better than planned.

• Hiking through two and a half feet of snow with my brother and dog was extremely exhausting, but boy was it exhilarating and beautiful. Fresh powder that couldn't even be made into snowballs. It was a Winter Wonderland.
• A gun shop, a movie, a tea shop, lunch, and ice cream all with my beloved father... an adventure to say the least. I had such an amazing time with him.
• A sushi date with my precious momma, on her birthday of all days, and a movie to top it off. I felt so honored to be able to spend the day with her, just us two.
• Many other random outings throughout the two weeks that turned into memories of time shared.

A tea shop, excuse me, THE tea shop of tea shops. Celestial Seasonings Plant. The only one in the world. The air smelled like Lemon Zinger. It was beyond invigorating. I truly felt like I was a kid in a candy shop.

A few days away with my best friend. One of the things I love most about her is that I can literally do nothing but sit in a room with her, and I feel better about my life. She has this ability to make me feel like I am overly loved and valued by simply being in my presence, no words need to be exchanged. My time with her was at the least an extraordinarily beautiful reminder of what true friendship is all about.

I hate to bunch the rest of my close friends into one, but we are boarding soon and I am so not even close to being done with this post D; but the friends I was able to spend time with reminded me of who I was and the person I have become. It was amazing to say the least. Each of the times I spent with these friends was a time where I can look back on and smile with pride because each one of those people are incredible people, that I have the honor of knowing and growing so close to.

Last and most important, I was able to spend time with a friend I hold so close to my heart. He has stage four cancer and I was anxious (to say the least) to see him. I didn't know what he would look like or how I would respond to it all, but he looked amazing. My mom, who is a nurse, works with cancer patients, and she even said he looks really good! His recent pet scan showed that the chemo is working and the cancer isn't in as many places it was before! He is still working and staying active. It was the best gift I could have gotten this Christmas. 

I hate to cut this short, but I have officially missed my boarding time D;